I took time and now I know, I don't fit into this rhythym

 At the start of 2026, everything felt like a dream. Looking back filled with my new tries and the upgraded me. But wait, I'm not going to forget that there are lot of nights which I spend with stifled sob. I know I loved the people whom I was with but from the start I felt I couldn't get close to them. They are just on a different league and nice. I remember telling my college friend with whom I shared hostel room in last couple of years, that I would never fit into their group or I can never get along with them.

But in 2025 I hung out with them a lot of time, even went on a longest trip in my life along with the silent crying at night. I keep question myself why I cry? This just don't feel right. This does feel comfortable. But how can I stay? Because they always played that nice people role who would let anyone into that space and it felt so smooth for me who believed it was coming from bottom of heart. They don't speak this louder or harsher. Slowing things down if I think of the incidents I have adjusted a lot of incident which I wouldn't have beared if that's for someone else. That was me. The niceties blinded me from looking at the truth. 

End of 2025 and beginning of 2026 is my breakout point. I was shattered, don't know whom to go to. I didn't listened to my parents, siblings or friends. I have no reason to blame them. Because I bend believing I'm getting them into my life but the truth is I couldn't related to any of them. I'm completely different, hadn't I stretched myself this wouldn't have this long. They would have not mind me existed.

It was nice when it is in distance. And I wish it to be in that distance. I don't want to be a friend of VC and Friends. I love all of them but that isn't the space I can be myself. There were lot of incidents where the words pierced me but I stayed nice and quiet than walking out. And all I observe today is i'm standing at the same distance as where I was a year ago, not an inch closer. 

I recently went on a trip with my school friend and I could recollect how it feels when my parents and siblings are around. They took care of me like the most fragile glass. The Kumily trip I went with them was again a neat and nice one. No one care if I'm angry, upset or shivering. I grew up in a different world and that is where I absolutely feel comfortable. 

I am fine.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Uff! Drained a lot for day1

 It's a day I never wanted and a day I will never regret. Started with a sleepless night, bad bus/bad road. My eyes are dropping while writing this🥱 but its only 19:39 and a rat running. NO YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING!!! TYPE😭. Back to morning, got down the bus with my half dried jasmine ummm still smells goood, clued about how the day is going to be. Kind town bus driver dropped me in the intermediate stop that is close to my hostel gate. Snooped into the hostel without signing the register. Mess staff said if its only one day then no pay. Escape! Else then my visit to hostel would be marked in the mess register. Is it so serious? Yes, because I again snooped out of the hostel without the care taker's knowledge and of course no register sign. Because coming out requires a post card from my parents. This rule is to stop us from running away with our love interest. But my action had no much difference because I packed my bag with extra clothes, extra money and basic stuff going to...
Read more

Felt loved a lot

 Here I Am! This is a song from the Barbie movie "The Princess and the Popstar". At the age when I was watching this movie maybe I was in grade 6 in a private school. Though affording the tuition fee isn't easy peasy, my dad did his best to make sure I went there. I can pay the fees, get accessories for the assignment the wholesome required things for being in that school. But I don't dress as fancy as others, my childhood friend thought I looked bad and she moved away, I felt miserable. This doesn't last for long(I thought), my maths mam caught my attention, she was once appreciating my classmates for their good grades. Since I was in first bench(for my height of course) I saw the scene close and wanted it.  It's grade 7, we had a malayali as our English teacher. He is sweet and strict, treats us like his daughter-who was same as our age, lives in Kerala. Since when he was teaching grammar class was neither scary nor boring. We had the same maths teacher now ...
Read more

It’s okay to take time to find your rhythm socially

Wow, it works.... Writing down a thing to achieve is much stronger than having it in mind. Here I'm back more contented because I can control my daydreaming. It's much better than before.  Had my first ever journey to Bangalore with my mom, few weeks before. Now what happened today is, I'm reluctant. Towards what? One, appreciating people and next, automatic reciprocity.  Let me start with the second one, I recently met my classmate after semester holidays, and she asked "How are you?", I said "I'm doing well...", then went on asking something and when I stepped out of the room I realised I didn't ask her back about how she's doing. I didn't remember to reciprocate because I wonder what does that answer has to do? I know it's going to be "Fine"!!! because I answered the same even though I was pissed off. But then I feel bad because the last night I was talking to my mentor/teacher/employer/alumni/(I wish to be his friend),.....
Read more